Nightmare
by TastyAsItGets
Summary: Back in England, teenage Susan begins to have nightmares about the "Golden" Age. When she realizes the dreams are actually forgotten memories, she will stop at nothing to prevent her family from falling apart again — even trying to change the past.
1. Only a Dream

The Secret Chronicles of Narnia Trilogy: Part III

**NIGHTMARE**

by TastyAsItGets

* * *

_Susan paced the gateway to Cair Paravel while clutching her pregnant abdomen. Her lip was beginning to bleed; she had been gnawing on it for hours._

_"Su, dearest, maybe you should wait inside."_

_She shook her head. Her dark blue eyes raked the tree line of the forest into which the road from the castle led. "The Squirrels said they'd be here any minute. I've spent months fretting about the trial, and I don't intend to agonize a moment longer than necessary!"_

_Peridan sighed. He wrapped his arm around the Queen's waist. "Then I'll wait with you."_

_The beautiful Queen intertwined her fingers with her husband's hand on her waist as she continued to peer out. Her mind raced. What if Saedra hadn't won the trial? What kind of lies had Lord Reine planted against Saedra that made Reine think he had a chance of taking Susan's sister-in-law's duchy from her? How would this affect Peter if his wife was being maligned?_

_She needed to see Peter and Lucy again, just to know that everything was okay. Things had seemed so off at Cair Paravel for quite a while now. Saedra and Peter's marriage had been strained by losing their son Willem in childbirth and his twin sister Caulitha barely surviving. Edmund had recently withdrawn from his siblings, concealing a worry that he refused to confide to his older sister. Rahai had just days ago fled the palace, looking composed but unusually pale and stating she had forgotten to do something. She had left on horseback, and Susan had gotten no response as to where Edmund's wife was going._

_Susan hoped that, however unlikely it was, everything would be okay if the trial went well for Saedra. Peter and Saedra would then be able to concentrate on their marriage, and maybe Edmund and Rahai could be happy (for surely their strange behavior stemmed from worry about dear Saedra!)._

_"Su," Peridan said, pulling her from the depths of her thoughts, "I don't want you to get your hopes up."_

_She looked up at her husband, startled that he seemed to be reading her mind. He knew her too well sometimes._

_"I just want things to be…normal," Susan said. "I can't explain it, but…"_

_Her voice trailed off when she spotted the group of riders heading toward them._

_"They're here!" Susan left Peridan's embrace and rushed forward as best she could manage with her bulk. She scanned the group for her family and quickly spotted them._

_Peter was on the lead horse, Lucy to his right. Susan couldn't spot Saedra or her teenage daughter Talia, figuring they were farther back in the procession of Minotaurs and Centaurs._

_Susan's labored steps slowed as she saw her siblings' expressions. Peridan stopped at her side, shaking his head with trepidation._

_"Something's wrong, Per..."_

_Susan would have expected there to be a lot of noise and excitement about the High King and Lucy's return, but there was a somber mood about the group. Peter and Lucy's expressions were even more worrisome: Peter's was pale and vacant, Lucy's hard. Both expressions were foreign to their faces, and they didn't wear them well._

_The procession eased to a halt in front of Susan and Peridan. Peter, who was staring over their heads and didn't seem to have even noticed their presence, paused before sliding off the horse. He dazedly handed the reigns to an attendant Satyr. He locked eyes with the tense Peridan._

_Peter said flatly: "Where's Edmund?"_

_"Peter..." Peridan said with a hint of warning in his voice. Susan was puzzled to see that her husband seemed to know something about the situation that she did not._

_"Where—is—Edmund?" Peter repeated._

_Lucy came up behind him. Her face was hard, but Susan was shocked to see that tears had begun flowing down her cheeks._

_"What's going on?" Susan asked, feeling panic start to creep through her. "What happened? Where's Saedra?"_

_Peter flinched, but recovered after a second._

_"Peridan," the High King repeated. "Where is Edmund?"_

_"Don't speak to him now, Peter, please," Peridan implored. "Take a day or two to think. Don't speak to him with your emotions running high—"_

_"Tell me where he is."_

_"What's going on?" Susan demanded. Her heart thumped wildly. Something very important was taking place, but she had no idea what it was! "Lucy, what happened?"_

_Lucy ignored her sister. She seemed as intent as Peter was to find Edmund._

_"Peridan, as your High King, I order you to tell me where my treasonous brother is."_

_"Treasonous?" Susan shrieked. "Tell me what's going on!"_

_Peridan backed down at Peter's threatening tone. "I will tell you, your Majesty, if you give me your sword."_

_Peter's eyes flashed. His hand went to the hilt at his side._

_"High King," Peridan emphasized, "you don't want to do this. Give me your sword, and I'll take you to your brother."_

_With great reluctance and aggravation, Peter relinquished Rhindon. Peridan took it and handed it to the nearest guard._

_"Watch over that for the High King."_

_The Minotaur nodded._

_"Take me to Edmund," Peter said coldly. "Now!"_

_Susan jumped. The attendants around them looked at each other uneasily._

_Peridan, who was obviously very aware of the public nature of their conversation, nodded. "Follow me."_

_Hitching up her skirts, Susan hurried after Peridan, Peter, and Lucy as they entered the castle._

_"Please tell me what happened!" Susan begged. "Why is Peter so furious with Ed? Lucy, please—"_

_"You'll see soon enough, Susan," Lucy said vindictively, tears still trailing over her face._

_As they went through the castle, higher and higher, Peridan begged Peter "not to do this," that if the High King kept a cool head, they could work it out. At this, Susan interjected with questions that everyone ignored. Finally, panting with breath and slightly behind the group, Susan came out onto the sunny rooftop of the castle._

_So, this was where Edmund had been hiding out lately? And Peridan hadn't told his wife where her brother was, even though he knew? Susan had expressed concern about Edmund's mysterious disappearances so many times to him!_

_Peridan led the group to the eastern tower and entered it. They climbed the winding staircase. Susan was winded, but the desire to know what was happening kept one foot stepping in front of the other._

_She caught up to them when they reached the doorway to the room at the top of the tower. Peter threw the wooden door open. Edmund, who had been sitting at the edge of a cot, jumped to his feet. The embroidered pillow that had been in his hand slid to the floor. Looking startled and guilty, he backed away from Peter's murderous expression. Peridan gripped Peter's arm to hold him back._

_In a voice that was loaded with pain, Peter said coldly, "At last the mystery ends."_

_Edmund looked confused. Peter shook off Peridan's arm and marched into the round chamber._

_"I'd been wondering where that pillow was. Nice to know that you and Saedra made your little love nest so comfortable up here."_

_"What?" Susan screeched._

_Peter advanced on Edmund slowly. Everything seemed to be happening at once: Peridan implored Peter to use his head, Lucy burst into full tears and buried her face in her hands as if unable to watch, and Susan screamed for someone to answer her questions._

_Peter's voice carried over the noise. "I think I always knew that Saedra was capable of something like this. But you...? How you enabled that—that woman to betray me, your own brother..."_

_"Don't blame this on Saedra, Peter!" Edmund said. "The fault is both of ours."_

_"That's for damn sure!" Peter roared. In a few long strides, he was on top of Edmund, fist ready to strike—_

* * *

Susan jerked awake, her heart pounding. Her eyes darted back and forth in the darkness as she tried to recall where she was.

Her breathing slowed when she realized that she was in her own bed at her parents' house. She was in England, not Narnia. She was seventeen years old, not the adult she had been in the dream.

Lucy, in the bed across from hers, turned over.

The images from her dream haunted her, replaying in her mind. As she awakened more and more, the nightmare became fuzzier in her mind. But the feelings remained. The terror and shock was almost as clear to her now as it had been in the nightmare. The pain from her family ripping itself apart was a fresh wound.

_It was only a dream, Susan, _she told herself. _Only a dream. That never happened, remember? We were happy in Narnia. This never happened. _

She calmed as she reminded herself of those truths. Peter and Edmund were best friends; they didn't hate each other. Lucy and Susan were happy. Narnia was a fond memory of all of theirs; it had been the happiest time of their lives.

It was only a dream.

Right?


	2. Shattered Glass

**PART I - ****REMEMBRANCE**

_**Shattered Glass (Spring 1945)**_

* * *

"Are you all right, Su?

Susan jerked her head up from where she had been stirring her soggy, unidentifiable breakfast in its bowl to find that Edmund was studying her from across the kitchen table. Next to him, Lucy had also stopped eating and was scrutinizing Susan; a frown creased the thirteen-year-old girl's face.

"I'm fine," Susan replied. She lifted a spoonful of the muck, only to let it plop back into the bowl. Was it her imagination, or was this rationed food only getting more disgusting?

Their mother chose that moment to rush through the kitchen on her way to the back door, hastily buttoning the top of her formless factory uniform.

"Susan, aren't you a little old to be playing with your food?" Helen chastised.

Susan rolled her eyes and didn't answer. Helen bent to kiss Lucy's cheek, patted Edmund's head, and nodded to Susan, saying, "We're expecting Peter for dinner tonight, so be sure to set an extra place when you make dinner tonight, Su."

Making dinner was probably the chore that Susan loathed the most—how was she to be expected to concoct something edible from the random ingredients they were allotted by the government?—but the idea of seeing Peter brightened the prospect greatly. They had rarely seen him ever since he had graduated from school and enlisted in the army. They only received sparse letters about how his training was going, and every once in a while he would pop in for dinner, looking leaner and stronger and more manly than he had before. He had yet to be deployed, but they feared it was only matter of time—even _if_ the radio was saying victory was near.

As the screen backdoor slammed shut behind Helen, Lucy asked, "Do you think the army'll let Peter stay the night? It's been ever so long since we've all had a good"—here she lowered her voice conspiratorially—"_talk._"

By "talk," she of course meant a reminiscing session about their happier lives in Narnia. With the War dragging on and on with news of more deaths every day, thinking of Narnia was their sole escape from their harsh reality.

"It's Friday, so maybe," Susan shrugged, standing to clear the table. The thought of talking about Narnia was, for the first time in her life, filling her with an odd sick feeling instead of the warm, safe feeling it usually did.

As she stepped up to the sink, an image flashed through her mind of a grown-up Lucy screaming, tears running down her face…of Peter and Edmund rolling around on the ground like sworn enemies, trying to kill each other…

* * *

_Because Peter_ had_ hit Edmund. In the face. The crunch of broken bone echoed through the chamber as their sisters screamed._

_Peter wasn't content with just that one hit. In this moment of blind, righteous rage, he wanted Edmund dead. And he could make it happen. He leapt on his fallen brother, punching, beating, kneeing him. Edmund defended himself and attacked back as his shame turned into anger._

_"Peridan!" Susan implored. "Stop this!"_

_Peridan was already amidst the fight, trying to first peel Peter off of Edmund, then Edmund off of Peter, but both brothers would have none of it. The Kings were too much of a match for Peridan, who was as effective as a fly, getting swatted off again and again._

_Lucy was egging on Peter, encouraging him as he tried to kill his own brother._

_It was too much stress. Susan grabbed her round stomach and groaned as a pain ripped through her. She felt faint—the pain was something she had never experienced before. The baby—! Sparks clouded her vision. She reached for something, someone to steady her. She thought she felt familiar hands, but couldn't be sure…_

_Everything was dark…_

* * *

"Susan?"

For the second time that morning, Susan was dragged from her thoughts by Edmund's voice. She looked down into the sink and saw that she had dropped the glass cups; they were shattered into pieces.

She turned around, inhaling and blinking. Why was her face so wet?

"Su, what's wrong?" Edmund demanded, coming over and taking the washcloth from her.

"Where's Lucy?" she asked dazedly.

"She went next door to Sally's," he replied. "Come, sit down."

She complied, and he sat in front of her. Edmund looked so different now than how she remembered. He was so much younger, so innocent. Shorter, thinner. No crown, only messy dark hair to cover his head. Guilt didn't burn in his eyes.

He patiently waited as she composed herself. She didn't know how to explain what was happening to her. First the nightmare last night, and then the daydream just now. How could she explain how real they felt, how she was starting to feel that the dreams had happened, or would have happened, or _something?_

"Ed," she finally sniffed, "do you sometimes feel that there were things that happened in Narnia that you can't explain? Or even remember?"

His brow furrowed. "How do you mean?"

"I sometimes feel that there are…_gaps_…in our memories. Empty spaces."

"Can you give me an example?"

"I—I can't! It's as if I know something is missing, but when I get close to it, it eludes me." She thought back to her nightmare, how she distinctly remembered being pregnant and married…married to _Peridan_… "Ed, do you think we ever got married? Or had children?"

His freckled brow wrinkled. "Of course not! Aslan wouldn't take us away if we had _family_. And anyway, we'd remember them if we did!"

"But what if…if something bad happened to them…something that Aslan would make us forget?"

Edmund looked at her with an amused expression that plainly told her that he thought she was mad.

"Su, you should ask Peter tonight. I think you're looking into things too much, but see what he thinks, yeah?"

He patted her shoulder and stood.

"Here, I'll help you clean up the glass before I go to Eustace's."


	3. What Peter Knew

_**What Peter Knew (Spring 1945)**_

* * *

"Peter seems different," Lucy whispered to Susan as they cleared the table after dinner.

Supper had been pleasant. The whole family had been together for the first time in what seemed like forever: Jack, Helen, Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy. Susan had volunteered to clear the table as the rest of the family moved to the sitting room to chat, and Lucy had stayed behind to help.

Susan set the platter carefully on the strainer and asked, "How so?"

Lucy shrugged as she began to dry the platter. "He's seems…distant." Her light hair was down in the new style with which she was experimenting. As a new teenager, she was in that phase of life in which girls experiment with new looks. She was in a fast growth spurt and had outgrown all of her frocks from last spring.

Susan glanced over at her sister, intrigued—and a little guilty. During dinner, she had been stuck in her own little world…well, _their _little world called Narnia…replaying and contemplating the images that had plagued her all day: Peter and Edmund fighting. Lucy infuriated. Susan herself, pregnant and married.

While the images of her siblings tormented her, she discovered a curiosity along with her fear. Ever since returning from Narnia the first time, Susan had never found herself attracted to boys. Her mother said it was a phase she would grow out of, and her father grinned and said he was grateful to not have to screen suitors just yet. Now Susan was wondering if _this, _her marriage to Peridan in Narnia (if it had really happened), was why she was so repulsed by the advances of other males. Did her subconscious still have a tie to Narnia, like a thread that connected her heart to the heart of that man she had loved in another life…as well as the baby she had carried?

Susan had struggled with these questions throughout dinner. She didn't like the topic of conversation (the War) and knew her comments would not be missed. After Peter and Jack had started into how the Allies were close to victory and how Peter would probably never see battle, she zoned out.

"Su?" Lucy prodded, elbowing her gently.

Susan blinked and focused back on the dishes. Damn dishes. The never-ending chore.

"What is _with _you today?" Lucy asked with a slightly annoyed tone. "Ed said you started crying this morning after Mum left, and now you look like you want to cry again. Is it that time of month?"

Susan glared at Lucy and didn't reply.

Lucy exhaled as she bent to put some pots in the lower cupboards. "So, what do you think about Peter? Am I imagining things, or is he moody?"

"I suppose. You were always better at reading Peter's moods than Ed or me, though, so I bet you're right. Training for war would be enough to dampen anyone's spirits, don't you think?"

Lucy didn't look convinced. They spoke on other topics as they finished the dishes, and then took off their aprons and went into the sitting room to join their parents and brothers. Helen and Jack were in the loveseat in front of the bay window; Jack had his arm around his wife, and his bright blue eyes were merry as he smiled at his daughters.

Lucy went over and sat on Jack's lap. She did so gingerly, careful not to agitate his bad leg. He had injured it in battle badly enough that he was honorably discharged from the service early in the War. Now he worked with British Secret Intelligence Services as a telegraph officer; that didn't require him to walk much.

Peter was standing in front of the fireplace, poking at it with a stick. It was a damp night, so they had a small fire going. His light brows were drawn into a frown, and his blonde hair was unusually short in the army fashion. It was still strange to see him in army uniform; in Susan's mind, he belonged in chain mail with a red Lion on his chest, not in this plain, unflattering uniform he wore now. The dull color matched his facial expression.

Edmund was perched on the edge of the sofa upon which Susan sat herself. He was eyeing Peter out of the corner of his eye as Helen talked about a neighbor down the street who had recently lost her husband.

"Mum, can't we talk about something more cheerful?" Susan asked. "We don't need to hear another sob story, not when the whole family's together."

Helen looked abashed, but recovered. "Of course, of course! Peter, dear, has Su told you about how she's going to graduate as one of the top in her class this year?"

Peter turned and smiled at his mother in an effort to be friendly. "Ah, no! Well done, Su!"

"Thanks," Susan said, feeling embarrassed. She hadn't meant for the topic to turn to her!

"What are you going to do after graduation?" Peter asked. "Marry and settle down?"

Susan shot him a dirty look. "For your information, Mr. Smarty Pants, I am going to go to school in America this fall. I've wanted to go back there ever since Mum and Dad took me there three years ago. You know, when Ed and Lu stayed at Eustace's?"

Peter looked genuinely surprised. The rest of the family was smiling proudly at Susan.

"Where are you going?" he asked. And the unspoken question she could see in his eyes was, "How are you going to afford it?" The family was staying afloat with Helen working at the factory as well, but there were no extra pounds to spare for higher education.

"I'm going to Radcliffe College. It's an all-girls college in Massachusetts," Susan said. "I won a scholarship."

"A very generous scholarship," Jack winked.

"Well done," Peter said again, smiling at Susan. She knew he meant well, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

They continued to talk about school and how well Lucy and Edmund were doing. Finally, well past midnight, Jack herded a disgruntled Lucy and Edmund upstairs to bed.

"We'll be heading to bed too," Helen said, putting her arm around Jack's waist and looking over at Susan and Peter. "You two don't stay up too late, you hear?"

They both told their mother what she wanted to hear, and their parents disappeared up the stairs. Peter exhaled and sat on the recently-vacated loveseat.

"Well, Su, want to take bets on how soon Ed and Lu will be down here, begging to talk about Narnia?" Peter grimaced.

"You sound as if you don't want to talk about Narnia," she accused, feeling protective of their beloved land even _if _she was feeling confused about her nightmares.

He studied his fingernails in a very un-Peter-like fashion.

"Peter?"

"Mm?"

It was now or never. Their younger siblings would be down as soon as they heard Jack's snores.

"Do you ever have…strange memories of Narnia?" she ventured.

Peter's eyes shot up to meet hers. She looked back unwaveringly.

He didn't ask what she meant, which was as troubling as his answer: "Yes."

"Memories that you didn't remember before…when we were younger?"

"Yes."

"…Scary memories?"

She saw his Adam's apple bob. He pursed his lips. "Yes. How long have you remembered, Su?"

"I had a vivid nightmare last night about…" She couldn't finish. "And then one this morning. I know it sounds silly, but I just feel like these are different. They're real. And I thought I was starting to forget them, like normal dreams, but these become _more_ real the more I think about them. It's like…they really _happened_."

Peter jumped from his seat and started pacing on the worn space rug. He glanced up the stairway to see if they were alone, then whirled to face her with a heart-breaking expression. "They _did_ happen, Su."

Susan was hit with a barrage of emotions. While she had questioned the realness of the dreams, she could keep the pain at bay. But now she was fighting tears of sadness and longing.

"How are they real, Peter? _How_?"

"I just know they are, Su. I've been having visions for a year now. They just keep coming back to me: remembering _her_—"

"Her?"

Susan had never heard a voice so full of hate than his at this moment. "Saedra."

The name was familiar to her, but she couldn't pinpoint who this Saedra was. She was scared to ask, but she had to: "Who was Saedra, Peter?"

"She was my—my wife," he spat. When he saw Susan priming for more questions, he quickly said, "I don't want to talk about this, Su. You'll remember soon enough. I just fear the day when Ed and Lu…"

His head turned toward the stairs. "They're coming!" he whispered, and rushed to Susan, kneeling in front of her. "Don't—I repeat—_don't _say anything to them!" Peter whispered. "Promise me, Su! I don't know what's going to happen, but it's better to have these years of peace. It seems like we both started remembering when we were seventeen—it probably has something to do with our mental maturation or some rot—"

And then Lucy and Edmund were tiptoeing over to them in their nightclothes, covering their mouths to stifle giggles. Peter gave Susan a meaningful look before standing and grinning at the younger two.

That night, after reminiscing with her siblings until daylight peeked through the curtains, Susan had another dream.

* * *

_"You have a visitor, your Majesty," Aryella said gently, leaning over Susan._

_Susan slowly opened her eyes. Peridan, who had been dozing on the bed at Susan's side, was instantly alert. He was wearing a bed shirt over his leggings. His light brown hair was messy, and his eyeglasses were on the nightstand._

_"Who is it?" Peridan asked, putting on the glasses._

_"King Edmund, my Lord."_

_A shadow crossed Peridan's face, and he jumped off the bed._

_"Per—" Susan started._

_"No, dearest, I will not have him upsetting you again!" Peridan insisted. "It is because of him that you are bedridden until the baby arrives—I will not let him endanger you again!"_

_The nymph backed toward the door, looking uneasy._

_"Honey, Ed wouldn't come if he was going to upset me," Susan said. "You know that."_

_"Do I?" Peridan asked, pushing her hair back from her face. "Do I really? To be honest, I'm not sure anymore."_

_"He's my brother. If you don't trust him, then trust me."_

_Peridan stared at his wife before nodding to Aryella. She went to the door with a swish of her foliage and let Edmund in._

_"Ed!" Susan gasped._

_He had a black eye, a broken nose, and cuts and bruises all over him. He looked faded, empty, and hesitant._

_"I came to say goodbye, Su," the dark-haired King said. "I'm...leaving."_

_"You're abandoning us, just like that?" Susan glared. "Running off to the safety of Saedra's arms?"_

_Edmund opened and closed his mouth before saying, "There is no point in staying. There is no reconciliation ahead. There is no reconciliation deserved."_

_"You, Ed, are a bloody craven, running away from a mess that you created."_

_"Yes. Perhaps I am. But it is for the peace of Narnia. I am a liability."_

_"Excuses, excuses!" she snapped._

_"Edmund..." Peridan warned._

_Edmund nodded. "I'll go. I just wanted to say goodbye."_

_"Get the hell out of here, you damned coward!" Susan spat._

_Edmund nodded and ducked out of the room, leaving Peridan to cradle his large wife, who burst into helpless and angry tears._


	4. Truth and Cigarettes

_**Truth and Cigarettes (Summer 1945)**_

* * *

_Being bed-ridden made Susan's situation all the more lamentable. It was one thing to know that things were wrong at Cair Paravel—Edmund had fled, after all!—but it was another to know this and be stuck in bed._

_Susan was a very active person; in the summer, she loved to arch with the Dwarves, dance with the Woodfolk, and swim with the Mer-people. This was the hottest summer Narnia had experienced in years, and she was stuck in bed with an antsy child within her. She loved the child with her whole heart, but she was aching to hold it in her arms, not in her insides where it kicked her when she tried to sleep and made her chest burn._

_Lucy visited her occasionally, but Peter hadn't yet; he would send notes saying he was tied up with business. Peridan came in every night, looking exhausted and emotionally drained. He would hint that things were bad in Narnia, but wouldn't give her details. She didn't press him, for she pitied how he was picking up Edmund's work and saw how dark the bags were under his eyes. He would be asleep seconds after he curled up on the other side of the bed. It was far too hot to cuddle._

_When Lucy and Tumnus visited Susan one sweltering afternoon, Susan was determined to extract answers from them. Her body was drenched with sweat; no breeze came from the courtyard she shared with her siblings. Tumnus' chest gleamed, and Lucy had her hair piled atop her head. Both had the same look that Peridan had been wearing: disheartened. Tumnus pulled a chair over for Lucy and then sat beside her at Susan's bedside._

_"How are you feeling, Su?" Lucy asked._

_"How do I look?" She was fanning herself with some old parchments._

_A wan smile crossed Lucy's face. "Ready to become a mother."_

_"You've got that right," her older sister panted. "Remanda says it'll be any day now."_

_"You've been extraordinarily patient, Majesty," Tumnus encouraged._

_No matter how many times Susan tried to tell the Faun to call her by her first name, he insisted on addressing her formally. Susan didn't understand why Tumnus and Lucy were so strange about it all; yes, he was much older, but it didn't mean that there was anything untoward in their relationship. Lucy was an adult. Almost twenty-three years old. She was free to love whomever she chose without shame._

_"Not just patient for the baby to arrive," Susan said pointedly. "Patient for information. I have been isolated here in my room—the attendants refuse to answer my questions when they come in, no doubt on my protective husband's orders."_

_Lucy and Tumnus exchanged a glance: that one they shared in which Susan knew they were communicating without speaking._

_"Lord Peridan doesn't want to unduly upset you, my Queen," Tumnus said, scratching his ear._

_"Unduly is a very subjective term. A Queen isn't unduly upset if there is truly something wrong in her nation," Susan said._

_"Perhaps unduly was the wrong term," Lucy rushed to assure her. "We just don't want another episode to happen, Su. You know, like when…up in the tower…You fainted!"_

_"I can't fall now if I do faint. Where am I going to go? So speak!" Susan ordered. "What is happening in our country that I should know about?"_

_"It's hard to know where to begin…" Tumnus said._

_"Pick a place," Susan said uncompromisingly. "Then start."_

_"Well, you know Ed's gone…" Lucy said._

_"Yes. Why did he leave?"_

_"Um, why?"_

_"Besides the obvious, of course! Did something else happen?"_

_"No, nothing else happened. He and Peter were avoiding each other, but sometimes they crossed paths. The looks they gave each other…" Lucy's voice trailed off._

_Tumnus continued. "Peridan imposed a rule that only palace guards were allowed to carry weapons, and that they had to be firmly secured to themselves and watched at all times."_

_Susan couldn't help but laugh. "You jest! Per really thought Peter and Ed would—"_

_"You saw what happened when we got back, Su!" Lucy said. "This is no laughing matter! Before Peridan instituted that rule, Peter and Ed were walking around with their swords on their belts to meals!"_

_Susan sobered. She could picture the murderous looks on both of her brother's faces. She could see Edmund's guilty, defiant look. She could see Peter's betrayed, righteous anger. Yes, perhaps Peridan had been wise. But if a brawl had erupted, she knew neither of her brothers needed swords to kill each other; both were warriors. They would improvise._

_For the first time, she was grateful that Edmund was no longer in Narnia._

_"Peridan has been holding Narnia together," Tumnus said. "If he hadn't been here to help us with this…"_

_"How has Peter been? He hasn't come to see me yet," Susan asked. In truth, it hurt her that her brother hadn't come to see how she was._

_"Peter has been doing his usual duties, of course," Lucy said. "But he's not well. He misses Sae—"_

_"Don't say her name!" Susan demanded._

_"Fine. He misses the Duchess. Even if he hates her, he still misses her. He stares at her empty place at the table. And Talia's. He stares off into space and you know he's thinking about them."_

_"And the baby? How is Caulitha?"_

_"I've been watching over her. Aryella has too," Lucy said. "I'll bring her next time I visit—it's her nap time now. She's doing better, been filling out a bit more. Peter visits her in the nursery. She probably reminds him of the Duchess—she has her smile—but Peter is a good father and loves her. He made a comment about having Talia sent for too; I don't think he thinks it's right that the girls are separated, with Talia in Harden and Cauli here."_

_"And what about the Narnians? How have they reacted to Edmund's disappearance?"_

_Another look was passed between Lucy and Tumnus, one that Susan could decipher. It boded nothing well._

_"They know what it meant. They don't know facts, but they have a good idea of what happened," Tumnus said. "We've been tight-lipped about it all, but you know how rumors go. We have so many people in the castle that it's impossible to hide the animosity between the Kings. They didn't even bother to hide it, which didn't help. And with Saedra still gone…it's not hard to figure out what happened."_

_Lucy could see her sister was waiting for more, so she admitted, "There has been…a fracturing in the populace. Some minor fighting has broken out. So far Peridan has been able to contain it. Some support Peter, saying that he couldn't have known this would happen. Others question his judgment and say he made a bad choice marrying the Duchess. Others even go so far as to say Peter had tried stealing the Duchess from Edmund by marrying her. Everyone has an opinion based on hearsay or what they think they observed at parties or when we were all out and about."_

_Tumnus shook his head. "Your Majesty wouldn't believe it all! Some even have theories that the Duchess really is in love with Lord Peridan and he intervened in the affair to get her to leave King Edmund and run away with him!"_

_Susan frowned. "What do you mean, intervened in the affair? You mean instituting the no-sword policy?"_

_"No, I mean before the trial, telling the Duchess she had to end it…with…" Tumnus' voice died away as he saw Susan's face pale. Lucy's eyes widened at the look on her sister's face._

_Susan cleared her throat slowly as the two waited. "Per knew about this before the trial? He knew about Edmund and the Duchess?"_

_Lucy looked frightened of Susan's tone. "He…didn't tell you?"_

_"Tell me what?"_

_Both jumped. And exchanged glances some more._

_"Stop doing that!" Susan yelled, a sick feeling overcoming her. She could now remember having the feeling that Peridan knew more than he let on when Peter and Lucy were approaching the castle; she had forgotten that thought in the craziness around the fight and her bed-rest. "Tell me what Peridan had to do with all this! All of it!"_

_And they did tell her. All of it. They told her how Peridan had suspected the affair. How he had trailed Saedra and Edmund until he had been certain of what had been going on. How he had confronted Saedra and forced her to end it with Edmund. Lucy explained how she had been unaware of it all until Tumnus had told her his involvement when they had returned from the trial._

_Susan listened with a white face and trembling lip. She hadn't had a clue back when all of this was happening that anything was different in Peridan's life. Not a clue. Her husband had kept this from her, just as Saedra had kept—_

_No, she couldn't think of it like that. Peridan had been protecting her. Had been trying to protect the baby!_

_But Susan had never asked to be protected. She didn't want to be protected. She may have been called "Gentle" because of her peace-making skills, but she wasn't a waif. She needed the truth. She needed to know she and Peridan could trust each other after everything that had happened._

_Because if she couldn't trust her own husband, she couldn't trust anyone._

* * *

"To Susan!" Jack exclaimed.

"To Susan!" the party echoed, clanking glasses and sipping on their drinks.

It was Susan's going-away party. Streamers hung from the ceiling and banisters of her parents' home, and the rooms were full of family, neighbors, and friends. Edmund, Lucy, Eustace, and Jill were whispering in the corner. Jack had his arm around Helen's shoulder, talking with an amused expression with Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold; Susan knew he would be chuckling with Mum about that conversation for the next week. Alberta and Harold were always good for a laugh.

Susan had spent the evening clinging to her champagne glass and enduring comments about what a beautiful young woman she was. A neighbor had made Susan choke when she had made a comment that "with her luscious dark hair and gorgeous figure, she was pretty enough to snag a Prince!" Fortunately, Edmund had been at Susan's side at that moment and had wryly banged her on the back to aid her breathing.

Susan was in her element at parties. She was sociable and always knew what compliments to give or what question to ask in order to stimulate conversation. Tonight should have been the same, except there was one major hitch: she was constantly being asked The Question.

"So, Miss Susan," Mrs. Longshanks asked, "Have you found anyone special yet?"

"Special?" Susan echoed.

Her neighbor winked at her knowingly. "A young man. A thing like you will have no trouble finding a husband, I'll wager."

A husband? She didn't need a husband! She had a husband, one she had been dreaming about all summer! Just because she and Peridan were in separate worlds, it didn't mean they were no longer married. Just because Peridan was..._dead_...in Narnia didn't mean that she wouldn't be true to him.

Helen came to her rescue. "Susan is more interested in completing her education. She can find a man after college."

"Or find a man _in_ college," Mrs. Longshanks winked. "A fine young American, perhaps?"

Susan blinked. No! Why was she being asked such a ridiculous question?

Helen looked at her paralyzed daughter with a perplexed expression. Susan met her eyes, wishing that she could tell her mother her thoughts; she wished she could explain why she didn't want a man in this world. She couldn't fathom even kissing another man...she and Peridan had a son!

The summer had been full of dreams that had made Peridan as real to her as he had been in Narnia. She remembered how they had fallen in love after she had been disillusioned with Rabadash. She remembered how long they had waited to be married...She remembered their wedding...Their nights...Their days...Their son...

Susan was now eighteen years old in England, but her mind was fifteen years ahead of it. She had lived fifteen years in Narnia, and she was now able to recall all of it: the good _and _the bad. The good had been very, very good. The bad had been very, _very_ bad.

Susan dodged The Question all evening. People were more interested in whether she had a beau than what she was studying in college! This was more of a "When Will Susan Get Married?" party than "Susan Is Going to a University" party!

A couple of hours in, Susan had had enough. She found her father and whispered in his ear, "Did Peter make it?"

Jack nodded. "He's out back."

Susan slipped out of the dining room, through the kitchen, and out the back screen door, careful not to let it slam. Peter was on their small back porch, sitting on a kitchen chair and smoking a cigarette, staring out into the darkness.

"I wasn't sure you were here," Susan said. "Why didn't you say 'hi'?"

He shrugged. "You were talking to someone." He took a puff. The smoke curled into the air and disappeared.

"I've been having dreams all summer," she said.

He nodded. He wasn't surprised.

"How do you...live with it?" she asked. "How do you look at Ed and Lu...and me...the same way?"

"I don't," he said simply. He still wasn't looking at her.

She leaned against the railing and crossed her arms. "I need help here, Peter. You used to have all the answers—you're the one we turned to when we needed advice. I'm asking for advice, Peter. How do you cope? I feel myself pulling away from them, and Mum and Dad, but I don't know how to stop it. I feel more connected to Narnia than this world, and I don't know how to live in the present."

"I have no answers," he said flatly. "I don't cope. I can't let go of what we had. I'm not sure if I even want to anymore. It's all I have in this world—the memories."

More smoke swirled in the air.

"Why do we remember?" she asked.

"I don't know. A cruel joke."

The sounds of night-time Finchley filled the silence.

"I remember Peridan as if he were next to me right now," she whispered.

He nodded.

"Do you remember _her_?" she ventured.

He abruptly stood. The chair fell back in a clatter. He dropped the cigarette and stomped on it. He hopped off the porch without looking at her, muttering, "Good luck with school, Su."

And then he was gone.


	5. Never Have I Ever

_**Never Have I Ever (Fall 1945)**_

* * *

_Either Lucy or Tumnus must have gone straight to Peridan to warn him that Susan knew about his involvement with Saedra breaking up with Edmund, for Peridan burst into Susan's bedroom not long after they had left._

_By that time, Susan was in tears, going over and over in her mind the horrible reasons that Peridan might have kept secrets from her. It wasn't that she didn't trust him; she did, deep down. But after how Saedra and Peter's relationship had erupted into an epic mess with Edmund at the center of it and Rahai exacerbating it, she couldn't help but question everything and everyone. Her claustrophobic and overactive pregnancy emotions weren't helping her mood either._

_"Oh, Su," Peridan panted, seeing her tear-streaked face. He came to her bedside and knelt beside it._

_"You didn't tell me!" she hiccupped. "You should have told me, Per, I should have known what you knew about Saedra and Edmund before all of this…!"_

_"I was afraid of upsetting you even more!" His eyes pleaded with her to understand. "Dearest, you almost went into labor prematurely. I didn't…couldn't…"_

_"You could have told me before Peter and Lucy came back from Archenland! Then this all wouldn't have been such a shock!"_

_"I was trying to avoid all of this, Su! I was trying to prevent everyone from knowing. It should have worked—no one should have known! You and Peter and Lucy and Rahai and Talia would have never known about it all and would have lived normal lives. Only Edmund and Saedra would have known; they would be the only ones suffering. I didn't count on Edmund being so foolish as to tell everything to Rahai…"_

_Susan could see Peridan's logic, but she continued to cry. She was just so exhausted. And drained. And tired of being in bed. She missed her family: her whole family, the one that included the ingrates Edmund and Saedra, as well as her darling teenage niece Talia. She just wanted it all to end._

_"I'm sorry I kept it from you, Su. I thought I was doing the right thing."_

_"You were doing the right thing," she sniffed. "You tried to preempt all of this. I do see that. But Per, what gets me is that I had no idea you were keeping that huge secret from me! I thought I knew you so well, and…"_

_"It killed me, Su. It killed me. I almost told you so many times, but I had to stop myself. Telling you would defeat the purpose of me blackmailing Saedra in the first place."_

_"Don't say her name!" Susan demanded for the second time that day. He bowed his head in agreement. "Please, Per, I just need you to promise that nothing will happen to us. I'm losing my family members one by one. You're the only stable person in my life."_

_He grasped her hand. "You'll never lose me, Su. Never."_

_"How can I be sure? Nothing is certain anymore."_

_"Be certain that I love you," he said firmly. "I always will. I always have."_

_Susan smiled a watery smile. "'Always have?' Now you're being overdramatic. Always have loved me since when—Tashbaan?"_

_He kissed her hand. "Since before I care to admit."_

_"You mean you loved me before everything in Tashbaan?" she asked curiously. "I thought you said you developed feelings for me while I was falling for you as well."_

_"I never said that," he replied sheepishly, "but I did let you think that."_

_Susan was supremely interested now! The tears were completely forgotten. "So, my love, when did you start to notice me as someone other than your Queen?"_

_He was quite embarrassed. "Um…Very early on…"_

_"How early?"_

_"Su, you have to understand…You were very mature for your age and appeared older than you were…"_

_"How old was I?" she demanded, amused at his nervousness._

_He answered indirectly by asking, "Do you remember when the Telmarine delegation came that one time—the time when Peter and Princess Priyah ended up engaged—and I came to fetch you for some reason, and you were still changing clothing and…"_

_"And I was a bit immodest?" Susan grinned. "Yes, I remember. I was still unaware of my effect on men. I was only—what?—sixteen?"_

_"Yes, you were quite unaware of your effect on men. I don't know if you recall this, but…um…soon after that incident, I requested to be transferred to Tashbaan."_

_"And those two things connect how?"_

_"I was having a hard time dealing with my feelings for you—you were much too young for me at the time—and I left Narnia to escape it."_

_Susan threw her head back and laughed. "So you were in Tashbaan, in your early thirties, struggling with feelings for your teenage Queen! My dear, you are a pervert! That's worse than someone Ed's age pining for Talia!"_

_Peridan buried his face in the quilt, mortified. "Now you see why I never told you!"_

_She ran her fingers through his light hair—which was now speckled with a tiny bit of grey—chuckling. "Yes, I certainly do. I'm glad you didn't tell me until now; I would have been quite spooked back then, to say the least."_

_Peridan kept his head buried in the bed while she intermittently laughed and stroked his head. Her poor husband had been in love with her long before she had even noticed him as, well, an attractive man! She had been worried about dresses and the awkwardness of growing up while he had fled the country in order to suppress what had seemed to be inappropriate feelings!_

_Even now that life was harder than it ever had been, Susan had found that she loved Peridan a little bit more each day, for different reasons. Perhaps it was how he would kiss her stomach every morning on his way out. Perhaps it was how he rubbed her feet at night when she knew he was drooping with fatigue. Perhaps it was how he was doing everything in his power keeping Narnia from falling apart. Susan was only twenty-eight years old now; she couldn't imagine the level of adoration she would have for him when she was sixty-eight._

_"Per, you can stop acting like an ostrich and look at me."_

_He did so._

_"I. Love. You."_

_His red face broke into a smile._

_"And I don't care what a pervert you are," she giggled. "You're my pervert. Peridan the Pervert."_

_He laughed heartily, then leaned up to kiss her three times on the mouth. "As long as you don't send me back to Tashbaan, I can handle being called Peridan the Pervert. Provided it is only by you, dearest. I would be quite disturbed to hear the Animals calling me thusly!"_

_She grinned. "Lord Pervert, can you please get on the bed now and make me forget this heat?"_

_He looked pained. "Su, you know Remanda said you shouldn't get overexcited—"_

_"I know what she said," she wailed. "But I'm dying of boredom! I need some overexcitement! I miss us. Please!" She tried another tactic by putting on a sly look. "Please, Lord Pervert? Please overexcite me?"_

_"Su…dearest…" he whined. "Soon: the baby will be here very soon…Then, and only then…"_

_She exhaled, knowing he was right. Of course he was. "All evidence to the contrary, I am not a fragile doll like everyone is treating me. But I will oblige you, husband, if it will make you feel better. What is it with you men and your protective ways? I'm going to have to call you Lord Protector instead of Lord Pervert!"_

_"I will choose to take that as a compliment, and I'm sure our child will appreciate its 'Lord Protector' when it is born healthy," he smiled, nuzzling her side with his nose. "But please, my love, do hurry up and have this baby. Lord Pervert is every bit as frustrated as his underexcited wife."_

* * *

Susan missed her family when she settled into her new life in America, but she was also relieved to be away. After her going-away party, her parents and younger siblings had begun worrying about how (and why) Peter seemed so distant. Susan found herself trying to assuage their fears about Peter being in trouble, which is what they feared, while struggling with her own conflicting desires.

A part of her wished she could talk to someone about all of the feelings that she was now grappling with in regards to Narnia: longing, repulsion, loneliness, anger, desperation, and desertion. She almost wished Lucy and Edmund _could_ remember so they could talk to and comfort one another, while vowing to never let anything tear them apart again.

But then she remembered that if Edmund and Lucy ever did remember, it was more likely that they would sink into the despair that Peter was treading in—the despair which Susan was trying to avoid. And then she was overcome with the desire to lock them in a closet for the rest of their lives, but even that wouldn't stop them from growing up.

Radcliffe College provided the distraction that Susan needed, even if she still experienced alternately terrifying and pleasurable dreams at night. As the only British girl on her dorm floor, she was a novelty and made friends easily. Having once been a poised, sociable Queen didn't hurt either.

On the weekends, if the girls were not going off-campus to dance or eat, they would meet in the common room to gossip or play games. Maxine Hopkins from down the hall would smuggle in some gin that her older boyfriend at Harvard provided. The girls would pass around the flask, which they would hide in their skirts whenever they heard a suspicious sound from the hallway, giggling the whole time.

Susan didn't prefer the tart, minty taste of the gin; besides the bubbling champagne she had at her going-away party, the last alcoholic drink she'd had before college was Bacchus' wine in Narnia, and this couldn't compare. However, she took some gin when it was passed to her. It was so easy to forget that she was doing something against the law, something that would get her in serious trouble with the institution. She was eighteen, and Massachusetts law prohibited drinking under the age of twenty-one. She observed that the thrill for the other girls was more from doing something taboo rather than from the gin itself.

Tonight they were playing "Never Have I Ever." It was long past midnight, and the freshman girls had approached the place where they were both giddy with exhaustion and slightly affected by the gin.

"Alice's turn!" Shirley Brandt giggled, after having just admitted that she had gone skinny-dipping when she was fifteen. At the demands of the other girls for the whole story, she had happily provided them with the details and basked in their gasps.

Alice Jones took the gin flask and shook it, frowning. "You finished it, Shirley!"

Shirley burped. The other girls laughed.

"Go on, Alice, give us something you've never done!" Maxine urged, tossing her short, curly red hair. Maxine had lost (or won, depending on how you looked at it) the previous two rounds of this game, for she was the wildest of the bunch. The other girls both envied and admired her for her spunk. "And make it juicy! The craziest thing we've heard this round is Sally making out with Frank behind the library!"

"Hm…" Alice thought, tapping her chin and leaning forward. She still had two fingers up. "All right. Never have I ever…_done it_."

Some girls tittered.

"Done it?" Shirley repeated, raising an eyebrow challengingly.

Alice blushed. "You know what I mean!"

"She means, _have sex,"_ Maxine said in a grown-up voice.

More giggling followed as the girls looked around at each other's fingers to see if anyone was going to lower one and admit that they had "done it." Maxine, to no one's surprise, lowered her last finger, but no one else did.

"Oh, come on!" Maxine declared. "I'm the only one?"

"Susan looks a little red-faced over there," someone pointed out.

Susan, who at the question had found herself looking at a smattering of visions in her mind's eye…very delightful visions…jerked back to the present, finding the whole circle of girls turning their attention toward her.

"What were you thinking about, Susan?" Alice teased.

Susan cleared her throat, feeling like she had emerged from a hot, comfortable tub into a cold winter night. "Uh—nothing!"

"Suuuuuusan," Maxine smirked. "I admitted it! Now come on, spill the beans. We can tell by that guilty look on your face that I'm _not_ the only one here who's had a little bit of fun with the men!"

Not for the first time this term, Susan felt like an alien among the young ladies. But she had never felt it quite as acutely as now, with these wide-eyed eighteen-year-olds around her.

Susan's mind was that of a full-grown woman! Her experiences were those of a Queen who had loved, been loved, lost, grieved, learned, traveled, and known. These girls had yet to experience most of those things.

How could she explain to them the love that she and Peridan had shared? It was preposterous to them! Susan and Peridan had courted for almost a year, been engaged for two, and been married for one before she had been taken from Narnia. How could she condense it into a "Yes, I had sex" admission without trivializing it? She was eighteen on Earth! If she had had sex by this age, society considered her a floozy like Maxine, who was the prime example of everything a young woman wasn't supposed to be!

But it was too late to back out now. Her moment of delicious reminiscing had given her away.

"Yes," Susan exhaled. "Yes, I have _done it_."

The girls squealed and Maxine punched the air triumphantly.

"Who was it?" a girl asked.

"_How_ was it?" another prodded.

There was no way Susan was getting out of this. She had a dozen curious girls around her, waiting with bated breath. She was going to have to tell them about Peridan.

"His name was—_is—_Per…Perry," Susan floundered, thinking fast. "He went to school with my older brother Peter. We've been going out for, um, about a year…"

"Are you still together?"

"Yes," Susan said firmly.

"What's he look like?"

"He's not the type of man you notice at first. I certainly didn't! But once I got to know him and paid attention to him, I fell in love with him."

It was nice to be able to speak about him freely at last. Lucy and Edmund would think it strange if she went on about the Lord, for he was nothing more than another Narnian noble in their memory. Peter, of course, had no interest in reminiscing with her.

She continued: "He has kind blue eyes, and this dark blonde hair that's almost brown. His eyes crinkle in the corner when he laughs. He has a nice laugh. We loved—love—to joke around together. He brought me out of the lowest point in my life, after I broke up with a man—uh, boy—who turned out to be an unmitigated ass." She smiled at the irony of that statement, remembering how Rabadash had literally been turned into a donkey.

"Does your family like him?"

"They love him! He and my brothers get along well; they have their own little chemistry. Peter's the leader. Edmund's the thinker. They're both really stubborn sometimes, so Perry ends up being the mediator. Lucy and Perry like to discuss social issues with Peter and Edmund's…uh…_girlfriends_. Perry is a devoted friend and fath—" She stopped short, but no one seemed to notice.

"Is Perry in England?"

"Yes."

"Was he your first?" Maxine asked bluntly.

"Yes," Susan affirmed. _Technically_. But her mouth kept moving. She added before she realized what she was saying: "But he almost wasn't. I was very much in love with the boyfriend I had before Perry. I had a hard time saying 'no' to him…he was very, very handsome. But I held out, and I am glad I did!"

"Did you…like _it_? With Perry, I mean?"

Susan had to repress a laugh. "Well enough." Boy, was that the understatement of the century, but she didn't want to be the person to encourage these girls to experiment with something that was best left until they were mature enough to know what they wanted. "But enough about me and Perry! Maxine hasn't told us her story yet!"

And like that, the girls' attention was averted from Susan. She was most happy to sink back into her pleasant memories of Narnia while Maxine bragged about her relatively infantile experiences.

Some memories of Narnia tore at Susan's heart, but others eased the sting…for a little while.


	6. The Drawing Is On the Wall

_**The Drawing Is On the Wall (Christmas Day 1945)**_

* * *

Susan sat at the small desk that she and her roommate shared. With trembling fingers, she opened the letter. She had saved her last correspondence from home for today because she knew she wouldn't have anything else to look forward to.

The dorm was empty, as it had been for the past week. The halls that were usually full of the sounds of giggles, shrieks, and knocking on doors were silent. All that could be heard was the gentle fall of snow outside the window.

She swallowed as she pulled out Edmund's note.

_Dear Su,_

_It sounds like you'll have a lot of fun with your friends over the holidays. All of those parties must be diverting, even if Silenus and his donkey can't make it this time (haha). I hope you miss us a little…We miss you a lot. It's been stressful around here without you. You have a way of easing tension when things get __strange__ so it's a shame you're not here. _

_I suppose I have to explain myself now. Mum forbade me from telling anyone, but of course I have to tell you. You'll find out anyway when you come home for the summer (though I think Mum hopes it'll all have blown over by then and she doesn't want you distracted from your studies)._

_You know how we thought Peter was getting a flat with Brick? (You remember Brick, right? He's that tough guy from down the street that Peter enlisted with when they graduated.) Well, it turns out that Peter isn't living with him, but he certainly has a roommate. It's a __girl__. Yes, you read right. Peter is living with a girl in London. We haven't seen or heard from him since your party, but I ran into Brick in the street the other day and got the whole story._

_Peter and Brick had a nasty falling-out. Peter's been working at some little restaurant since the War ended, and has been dating one of the waitresses. When Brick decided not to live with Peter, Peter asked the waitress to live with him. We knew nothing of this._

_I got Peter's address from Brick and visited his flat. He lives in the bad part of London—half the buildings are still wrecked from the bombs—and I was shocked at first, but I realized it's probably the only place he can afford to rent without asking Dad for help. You know about Peter's pride! I passed his restaurant, and it isn't a very nice place. Well, I must have picked the right time to visit, because both Peter and his girl (her name is Mildred) were there. _

_Mildred—or Millie as she asked me to call her—is very pretty and smart, though I got the feeling she has a tragic history (who __doesn't__ from the War?). She is your age, Su, but she dropped out of school years ago. She gives me the strange feeling that I've met someone like her before, though I couldn't place when or where._

_Anyway, Millie was very hospitable even though the flat was empty and dirty. I think she was trying to overcompensate for Peter, who just sat across from me and puffed on his cigarettes the whole time. He hardly said a word and avoided my eyes, only grunting his replies to my questions. He was like a jaded old man, not a nineteen-year-old! _

_Finally, I got up to leave. I held out my hand for Peter to shake. He didn't take it, but he did look me in the face then. It was then that I saw how __unhappy__ Peter is. Well, unhappy isn't even the right word—miserable is more apt! When he looked at me, I felt like he wanted to slug me right there. But obviously there was no reason for him to want to hurt __me__, so I figure he was just upset about something he wouldn't tell me about._

_I got home really late that night, and ended up telling Mum and Dad and Lu the whole thing. In hindsight, that was a stupid thing to do. They got all upset: Mum burst into tears that Peter was treating a woman like that ("We taught him better morals than this!"), Dad was furious and looking like he wanted to smash something, and Lu looked like you would expect if Peter let her down in a major way. _

_Mum and Dad have been fighting more and more since then. I think they blame themselves for how Peter is acting, though I don't think they're right to. Peter is a grown man; he was High King once, though he isn't living up to that standard now. He knows what he's doing. I don't understand him, but something must have happened to him while he was training for the War. What else could it be? _

_Now Mum is holding on to this hope that Peter will bring Millie home properly and get engaged. Somehow, I don't think that is on Peter's mind at present._

_Lucy wants to visit Peter, but Dad forbids it. _

_Dad went once. I don't know what happened, but it wasn't anything good. Dad was white with fury when he returned. He and Mum yelled at each other for hours in their room. I think they forgot that Lu and I were there in the living room, trying to pretend we couldn't hear. _

_I hate to tell you all of this before Christmas, Su. I don't want you to worry about us. We'll get through this somehow. Mum and Dad love each other; that's why they fight. And Peter will come around. I think. _

_Lu sends her love and promises to write you soon. You should get her letter a couple of days after mine. (She's won't brag about it, but she's doing really well at school. And speaking of school, I haven't been doing too badly myself; I'm thinking of studying Political Science or Law when I graduate. I figured I have a head start, what with once ruling a nation with you lot!)_

_Here's to hoping I have better news next time. Happy Christmas, Su!_

_Ed_

_P.S. Lu has a theory that Peter misses Narnia. He __was__ rather distant when he came over for dinner last summer and we were talking about it after Mum and Dad went to bed. He was really brave when Aslan said you and he couldn't return, but maybe it's catching up to him that he is growing up without Narnia. I worry that Lu or I will go through what Peter is experiencing. It's been a couple years, and I'm still in denial that Aslan said __we__ couldn't go back either. I didn't admit it then, but I was seething with jealousy when Eustace and Jill told us all about their adventure with Rilian. _

Susan didn't even notice she was crying. She sat on the stiff chair, staring at the white wall in front of her.

She was guilty for lying about her "fun" holiday season. She didn't want her family to know that she was the only girl in the dorm staying there this Christmas. She had been deadly lonely. There were no parties for her, but she didn't want her family's pity.

She was angry at Peter for being so selfish. What gave him the right to be so oafish? She was suffering as much as him—in a different way, surely, but just as much! _She _was moving on with her life and doing well while he was letting his memories drag him down. He just wasn't _trying _anymore. Didn't he realize that as the oldest child, he was setting the tone for Edmund and Lucy as well as their parents? Was he unaware of the impact his actions had? Probably not, but he just didn't care anymore!

She worried about her parents. She had never heard them yell at each other. Have heated discussions, yes, but never fight as Edmund described. Now she was even angrier at Peter for causing strife.

She dreaded the future. She had a feeling things were going to get much worse. Every minute was a step closer to when her innocent younger siblings became bitter adults.

She shakily found a pen and a clean piece of paper.

_Dear Ed,_

_Of course I miss you all! The parties have been fabulous, but it's nothing like celebrating Christmas with you lot…_

When she finished her letter, she shakily rose and stumbled over to her bed. She lay down, pulled the blankets up, and curled into a ball.

Edmund's letter brought memories to her mind that she hadn't considered for years, ones that had to do with her second visit to Narnia when they helped install Prince Caspian as King. She thought of Aslan's How, and something that had seemed peculiar to her at the time made sense now that she fully remembered the Golden Age.

There had been drawings on the walls in Aslan's How, depicting Narnian history. Many of them had to do with the Four: their defeat of the Witch, coronation, and reign. In all of the busyness of the war with the Telmarines, no one took the time to study them closely. But when the fighting was over, Lucy and Susan snuck back into the How to take a closer look...

* * *

_"Lu, the boys will be wondering where we are," Susan complained as her sister pulled her deeper into the caves._

_"Do relax, Su! They won't worry about us. There's no danger now that it's over. I've been curious to look closer at the drawings of us, and I get the feeling that if we don't do it now, we'll never get another chance."_

_Both girls held torches, and the light flickered against the close walls of rock all around them. They were passing images of Frank and Helen, the first rulers of Narnia. The drawings were crude, but easy to decipher._

_Susan exhaled and stopped protesting. After all, there was no harm in reminiscing about old happy times. It would give the sisters a chance to bond after the stressfulness of the battles. Besides, Susan owed Lucy one for not believing her that she had seen Aslan by the gorge._

_"Here!" Lucy exclaimed, putting her torch closer to the wall. "This is where our story starts. See, here's me and dear Mr. Tumnus by the Lamppost…And there's Ed with the Witch…"_

_"And our coronation! They even drew my dress the right way!" Susan exclaimed. "I felt more like a Queen dressed in that then I had ever felt before…."_

_"And look—there's Prince Corin when he visited us! That dark woman by him must be his nursemaid—though it's a wonder she is so prominent in the drawing. I don't remember her at all. She's drawn dark like a villain—doesn't she look Calormene? And there's you and Rabadash!"_

_"Ugh, don't remind me about that vile man!"_

_"And there's you and Ed in Tashbaan! And Peridan! Oh, what a dear he was!"_

_"And there's our escape! There's that menacing woman again with us...Why, she's dragging a little girl with her onto the Splendor Hyaline! How peculiar!"_

_"And look at this, Su! There's you and Peridan. It looks like he's hugging you…"_

_Susan frowned. "Strange…"_

_"And the battle of Anvard! And Rabadash turning into a donkey! I tell you, that was the highlight of my year when I witnessed that."_

_"I often regret not seeing that," Susan chuckled._

_"And Peter with the Giants…What's this, Su? Is this a wedding?"_

_Susan squinted at the wall. Indeed, it looked like a wedding was taking place in the Great Hall at Cair Paravel. There were a man and woman in white. It was the same dark woman that was in many of the other drawings._

_"That can't be Peter, can it? He never married!" Susan exclaimed. "And certainly not to that menacing woman!"_

_"It looks like him! And look at this other drawing, past the one of us in the Lone Islands: it looks like Ed is getting married too! And later here: there you're getting married. And there: Peter is holding a blonde baby! Here...you have a baby too, Susan! But wait...in this one—is that Peter and Edmund fighting? That scary woman is in the background, watching with a grin... And what's this? Is that me and Tumnus?" she gasped. "No! We were only ever friends! What can all of this mean?"_

_"We're myth, Lu. It's been ages since we ruled. I suppose it makes sense that they would create stories of us falling in love and getting married, like we do for King Arthur."_

_"It feels…icky…" Lucy said. "It's so wrong. We never got married…It would be too strange..." She looked back at the picture of her and Tumnus embracing with awed horror._

_"I agree. I don't think we should tell Peter or Ed about this, Lu. I think it would only upset them. And I can see that the drawings go on, but I don't want to see them. They repulse me, that our stories would be manipulated in such a way, in such a hallow place as this!"_

_"Yes, the boys would be upset by this," Lucy nodded. "I'm sorry now that I brought us here. This is vile. I feel disenchanted with Narnia now, as if the innocence is gone..."_

_"Let's leave this place," Susan said. "And let's not speak of this again. No good can come from it."_

* * *

And they _didn't_ speak of it again. Susan was sure Lucy had forgotten all about that incident, judging from her later comments. And Susan had forgotten about that moment herself, until now...

It seemed so obvious now that she remembered…Narnia hadn't betrayed their memory…

It was the Four who had betrayed Narnia.


	7. Aslan the Puppetmaster

_**Aslan the Puppetmaster (Summer 1946)**_

* * *

"This is it," Edmund said, stopping.

Susan looked up at the dilapidated apartment building. "I won't be long."

"Take your time. I'm going to duck into that café we passed. I'll be back in an hour."

"Be careful."

"Same to you. Wait for me behind that glass door if you're done before I am. I don't want you standing on the street."

She nodded. With an encouraging pat to his sister's arm, Edmund turned and strode down the uneven sidewalk. She watched his long strides for a second, marveling at how much he had grown up in the past year while she'd been away at university. He was sixteen, taller than she was…but still innocent…

The sound of the apartment building's front door opening shook her out of her thoughts. Acting quickly, she rushed up the steps, smiled kindly at the old man leaving, and caught the door before it closed behind him.

The staircase had a stale smell.

_Number four, _she thought, scanning the doors on the first landing. The black numbers on the doors were either missing or the plaques were broken. One had the faint dusted outline of a "4" where the plaque should have been.

Inhaling nervously, she knocked. A moment later the door cracked open, and a hesitant female peeked through. "Yes?"

"Millie?"

The girl opened the door wider, her eyes lighting up in surprise. "Yes?"

Susan should have been surprised at Millie's appearance, but she wasn't; she had..._wondered_...

Millie had large, dark eyes, brunette hair, and tan skin. She was no beauty like Saedra, but she was definitely attractive. With bitter irony Susan thought, _Peter definitely has a type._

"I'm Susan. Peter's sister."

"Oh my! Please, do come in! Peter isn't here at the moment, but he should be back from work any minute now."

"Thank you."

Susan stepped into the cramped, dirty apartment carefully. It had a tiny kitchen, a small living room with one dirty couch that looked like it had been salvaged, and two doors that must have led to the bathroom and bedroom. The kitchen had a small table with two stools under it.

"Do sit down." Millie pulled out a stool for Susan shakily, then sat herself on the other one.

"Thank you," Susan said. She hadn't anticipated being alone with Millie. This was awkward.

Millie shyly avoided Susan's gaze. In the middle of the table was a thick, half-melted candle. In what Susan took to be a nervous habit, Millie leaned over and started picking at the wax. Susan knew that it was up to her to make conversation.

"Millie, I'm pleased to get a chance to get to know you. Peter…Peter has told us very little about you."

Understatement of the century.

"I suspected as much," Millie said in a low voice that betrayed how much she was hurting that Peter had not made her part of the Pevensie family. "When he asked me to live with him, I thought _maybe_…But now I see…"

Susan understood what Millie couldn't say. If Peter hadn't asked her to marry him by now, he never would. Millie was just an unwitting placeholder for someone _else_ that Peter was still hurting for.

"Tell me about yourself, Millie. How did you and Peter meet?"

Millie's pretty eyes rested on Susan's. "In the restaurant." She shrugged. "It's not the most glamorous occupation in the world, being a waitress, but it puts food in my mouth. I never finished my education, so there's not much I'm good for."

"Why didn't you finish school?"

"It's a long story…" she sighed. "My father was a government worker for the British consulate in India, where he met my mother. Despite him being English and her Indian, they were very much in love. I was the youngest of my siblings. We moved back to England not long before the War, and when the bombing started, they were going to send us children to the countryside to be safe."

"We did that as well," Susan nodded.

"Well, we never made it," Millie said in a cracked voice. "The day before we were to leave, I decided to disobey my parents and visit my friend down the block. Then the bombs fell while I was at her house…And when it stopped, my house was nothing more than a pile of debris."

Susan stared at her, aghast. "I'm sorry" didn't seem like an adequate response.

"They were all dead. All of them. My father was wealthy, but he had made investments using the house as collateral. And the war started, and the investments turned sour…and there was no house anymore… I couldn't stand accepting the help of my wealthy neighbors, so I ran away. I went from job to job until I ended up where I work now, and met Peter." She exhaled. "So that's my story."

After a moment of awkward silence, they heard a key in the door. Millie jumped to her feet and greeted Peter when he entered in his waiter uniform. He looked five years older than he had last year, with dark circles under his eyes and unkempt, greasy hair. He didn't notice Susan at first.

"Peter, we have a guest!" Millie said with exaggerated cheerfulness.

His eyes fell on his sister. "Susan."

"Peter."

"Sit down, dear, and I'll get you a drink!" Millie said, rushing to the cupboard.

Peter slouched onto the stool that Millie had recently vacated. Only the sounds of glassware could be heard as Millie poured Peter's drink. From the smell of it, it was quite strong. She set it in front of him, and he took a long swig before fishing in his pockets for a cigarette. He lit it and took a pull. Millie stood above them, hands wringing nervously behind her back.

"Mil," Peter said, "Susan and I need to speak alone."

"Of course! Um, I'll just be…in the bedroom…"

When Millie had left, Peter stared at Susan. "What are you doing here? I thought you were in America."

"I was. School's out for the summer."

"Oh."

Silence. So, Peter wasn't going to make an attempt at small talk. Susan decided to get right to the point.

"Peter, home isn't the same without you. It's tense. Mum and Dad are stressed. Lucy misses you fiercely. Edmund too." Peter's eyes flashed at the mention of his brother's name, but she ignored it. "You're the oldest child, Peter, and no matter what you think, what you do sets the tone for the rest of the family. You doing _this," _she gestured around, "doesn't just affect Millie, it affects us."

He frowned and took another swallow of his liquor.

"What are you trying to _do_, Peter? What is your goal in all of this? Are you _trying _to hurt Millie and us? Do you think that by breaking her heart you'll ease your own pain?"

He banged the cup on the table. "Don't you _dare_ judge me, Susan Pevensie! You have _no_ _right_ do so!"

"I am suffering like you are, Peter! I live with this wrench in my heart every day, longing to be with my husband and son. I don't feel like I belong in this world! But at least I am moving on with my life! I am going to school, I am studying, I am making friends, I'm _learning_! But you're—what _are_ you doing? Working as a waiter and living in sin when you could be doing so much more with yourself!"

"It's not the same for you!" he bellowed. "You lived this perfect sanctimonious life in Narnia. Peridan worshipped the ground you trod upon. While you and he were living this idealistic life with your healthy baby son, I was struggling to find a reason to get out of bed every day. I would look over—every morning—and see that my wife wasn't next to me, and that she would never be again. And when I remembered whose bed she was in, I had to resist the urge to throw myself upon Rhindon, the sword that she had helped me name!

"I couldn't escape her, Su! The castle reeked of her! I saw the decorations she had added to the Great Hall. I saw the friends she had made. I saw Caulitha, _our_ baby, and felt guilt that our daughter wouldn't ever know her mother because I had banished her from Narnia! While you and Peridan were fawning over Ethan, I was thinking of Talia, the delight of my days, wondering how she was doing in Harden and worrying that she hated me. I wondered if Talia would still think of me as her father, or would just see me as that man that her mother had been married to for a few years. After all, it wasn't me that rescued her from Tashbaan! Would Talia come and visit me for Christmas, or would she start to think of my traitorous brother as her father? Even now I think of Caulitha and Talia and wonder what has become of them! Did they grow up happily?

"You have _no idea _what I have suffered, Susan! You have no right to look at me with those judging eyes and expect me to pretend to be all right as you seem so apt to."

Susan gaped at him, horrified. "Peter, why did you never say anything about this back then? I could have told you that Talia adored you—you were her idol, the only real father she had known. Edmund could never take your place that way!"

"I didn't _want_ to talk to you about it!" he roared. "If I did, I would have to endure your dazzling smile and contented looks and see your perfect marriage. Why do you think I avoided you for so long?"

"You could have talked to Lucy!" she countered. "_She _didn't commit the crime of having a happy home like that of which you accuse me! She and Tumnus were always struggling with the peculiarity of their relationship: how the public would react to their love, how they could never have biological children, how Tumnus would outlive her...She was the iconic little girl that stumbled into Narnia—how would people react to her falling in love with a being from another species that was a century older than her? She struggled, Peter, and I dread the day that Lucy remembers that she never married Tumnus before it was too late. The regret will kill her!"

He stared at her with shock—heavens, males could be so clueless!—and Susan continued raging. How dare he play the victim here and try to make Susan guilty for having been happy with Peridan?

She continued: "You were always good at _avoiding _when things got the least bit uncomfortable for you, weren't you? You avoided Saedra, I recall, whenever something went wrong between you two. No wonder she ran into Edmund's arms!"

"_I told you not to say her name!_" He jumped to his feet, knocking the stool back to the floor.

"Saedrasaedrasaedrasaedra!" Susan yelled obnoxiously. "I will keep saying her name until you climb out of this hole and get a grip on yourself so we can figure how to deal with this mess instead of allowing it to overcome us! I need you, Peter, to help me so that when Ed and Lu start remembering, we can fix this instead of falling apart. We need each other—all of us! Think of Aslan! What would he think if he saw us right now, the great rulers of Narnia?"

"Aslan?" Peter spat on the floor. "To hell with Aslan! This mess is his whole damn fault! He never cared about us! He took advantage of scared, impressionable children and made us do work that he should have done! He gave us a country to rule when we were barely old enough to know the difference between a monarchy and a republic. He allowed us to fall in love and get married, and then he takes us from Narnia before we got a chance to fix the mess we'd made! Then he throws us back into these child-like bodies that would never feel quite right, even if we couldn't remember exactly _why_ they didn't feel right!

"And was that enough for him? NO! He sends us back into Narnia with these child bodies blindfolded, running around trying to help Prince Caspian, thinking ourselves all noble when we'd been the laughingstock of history! And then he sends Lu and Ed again! And Eustace and Jill! Sending all these children into danger, into a world that is so much better than our own even at its worst, allowing us to grow attached to it just enough that it breaks our hearts when we are told that we can never go back!"

Susan backed away from the table as he spoke, shaking her head. "You're forgetting all of the _good _Aslan did for us! He saved Edmund from the Witch. He introduced Narnia to us! He brought Saedra back from the _dead_—do you remember how torn up you were about losing her? Aslan did that for you! While she was dying, you pleaded with him for mercy!"

"_That's the worst of it!_ I didn't know what I was asking for, but he did! Aslan sent Saedra back, fully knowing what she would do! What kind of sick monster _does _something like that?"

She couldn't think of anything to counter that. Nothing. Deep down, she knew that Peter was making excellent points. Was Aslan the great comfort she had always wanted to see him as? Or was he a manipulative puppetmaster who used them when he needed them and abandoned them to a lifetime of misery when he didn't?

Millie's head peeked around the corner. "Are you all right?" she asked timidly.

Susan realized that she had backed up to the front door. "Er, yes. I was just going to, um, leave. Thank you for your hospitality, Millie. It was really great meeting you."

Without daring a glance at Peter, Susan ducked out of the apartment and started down the stairs. Despairing sobs built up within her at every step, until she sank down and wept bitterly in the middle of the filthy staircase.

She had wanted to be strong, to counter everything Peter said, but he had been right about everything! Aslan had seemed to be there for them only when it suited him; what kind of loving person would do that: take advantage of those who loved him?

Her futile efforts to "move on with her life" seemed pointless now. She was, deep down, just as miserable as Peter, longing to return to Narnia even _with _all of the inevitable pain it would bring. Susan didn't belong on Earth. No matter how hard she studied, no matter how many friends she made, no matter how important she became, she would always feel like an alien. And so she would always be as miserable as Peter was, even if he was just a waiter and she was "a proper young woman." She despaired at the futility of her efforts. They were ultimately for nothing.

She wept and wept and wept, praying that no one would use the staircase and pass her. She wanted to disappear and go somewhere where she could wallow in her misery without having to put up appearances at college or try to salvage her disintegrating family. She was _exhausted. _

* * *

_"I want things to be different, Su," Peter said not long after Susan's son Ethan had been born. "I've held on to my pain this whole summer. It can go on no longer. Narnia needs a ruler, and our children need parents they can respect." Peter still looked worn and weary, but there was a new determination in his eyes._

_Susan smiled up at her twenty-nine-year-old brother. "From whence came this revelation?"_

_"I came across Peridan talking to baby Ethan, even though Ethan understands nothing he is being told. Per was telling him about us, about the Four. He said I was the greatest ruler Narnia had ever had, the King above all Kings. And it hit me that I may have had a setback…a rather large setback…but we still have our whole lives before us. And Narnia may be unstable right now, but we've fixed worse. Aslan wouldn't give us something we couldn't handle. And maybe one day…one day…"_

_"…We might have our brother back?" Susan ventured._

_"One day. Maybe. We can take it one step at a time."_

_Susan hugged her brother. "Welcome back, High King Peter. We've missed you."_

* * *

They had resolved to make things right. And the very next day, Aslan had ejected them from that world.

Susan hated herself for thinking it, but she now knew had been wrong trying to "save" her family. There _was_ no salvation for them. Aslan had abandoned them. Rejected them.

There was no comfort in that realization. Without her family, without faith in a trustworthy Aslan, what was there to live for?


	8. To Be Under Ground

_**To Be Under Ground (Summer 1946)**_

* * *

Edmund didn't say a word on the way back home on the Underground. Good. Susan didn't want to talk.

Her nose was raw and her eyes watery. Edmund put his arm around her as the train clacked on the rails, and she nearly wept again at the comforting gesture.

They got home late; a train was delayed for mechanical reasons. They had timed it so they would be back before their parents got home from work, but Lucy was already setting the table for dinner when they went through the back door. The food was simmering on the stove.

Lucy looked up, taking in Susan's bleary face. Lucy opened her mouth to speak, but Edmund quickly shook his head to silence her curiosity.

"Mum's upstairs changing," Lucy said instead. "Dad's been trying to fix the clogged bathroom sink. He's in a bad mood again, so watch out. I don't think they believed me when I told them you two went to see Eustace, so you better have a good story about what you did with him."

Susan nodded, wiping her eyes. She and Edmund slipped off their shoes and went to help Lucy finish getting ready for supper.

Dinner was quiet, an edgy kind of quiet. No one spoke, and they picked at their food uneasily. Susan still showed the tell-tale signs of crying, and Helen kept glancing at her with worry. Jack glared at his cup with his now-usual frustration. Lucy bit her lip as she glanced at her siblings.

Edmund ventured, "Eustace says hello."

Jack studied his younger son with the exact same piercing look which Susan had received from Peter that day. "Does he, Ed? So, he came back from camp early, did he?"

"Uh, camp?"

"Alberta told me they were sending him to Nature Camp this week," Jack said. "Or had that slipped your mind when you were coming up with an excuse to hide that you were blatantly disobeying me by visiting Peter?"

Edmund gulped.

"It's not his fault," Susan said in a low voice, eyes on her plate. Her dark hair was like a curtain, blocking her face from view. "It was my idea. I wanted to see Peter for myself. I asked Ed to take me there."

"Susan," Helen chided, "you know how we feel about that part of town…"

Susan jerked her head up to meet her mother's brown eyes. "I know how you feel about that part of town—or how you feel about _Peter_?"

"What are you insinuating?" Jack growled.

"I'm insinuating nothing! I am saying outright that you are pretending that you disapprove of Peter's neighborhood, but really, you just disapprove of Peter!"

Jack opened his mouth to retort, but Helen put her hand on his arm and said, "Su, we don't disapprove of Peter, we disapprove of what he's doing."

"There's really no difference, now, is there? You've ostracized him from the family. You've made it clear to Ed and Lu that they can never see their brother again."

"That's outrageous!" Jack exclaimed. "They can see him again—when he comes to his senses! Until he does, I will not reward his behavior by allowing him to have normal interactions with us! He needs to know that we disapprove of his lifestyle, and when he rights his wrongs, he will be welcomed back with open arms."

Susan jumped to her feet. "You disgust me! Peter is hurting, can't you see that? He is struggling to live day to day. And what do you do to him? You treat him like he is a leper! How is that _love_?"

"He is struggling by _choice_!" Jack came back, also on his feet. "He brought whatever is troubling him upon himself. He didn't even see war, so he doesn't even have that excuse for his conduct!"

"Hasn't seen war?" Susan screeched. "Brought this upon himself? Are you crazy?" She looked at her siblings incredulously. "Do you hear this hogwash?"

Helen was on her feet. "Susan! Don't speak to your father that way!"

"Well, someone has to!" she retorted. "I'm sick of you sitting here and judging Peter when you have no clue what he is going through!"

"Then, please, do enlighten us," Jack said sarcastically, waving his arms. "Tell us the great trials of poor Peter Pevensie, if you can."

"He's trying to cope, Father! He's trying to cope! He's trying to survive in a world that isn't his home, with a head full of memories that he can't control!"

Silence fell. Edmund and Lucy were frowning at her, confused and worried. Her parents stared at her like she was insane.

"What in the world are you talking about?" Jack demanded.

"I'm talking about how Peter is doing all this because he can't do otherwise, just like I can't do otherwise. His way of coping is to embrace the pain, to revel in it, while I have been trying to ignore it by making you proud!"

"What does this have to do with you...?" Helen asked.

"We're going through the same thing!" Susan cried. "We're drowning in our nightmares! We remember things that haunt us day and night…"

Her family was staring at her as if she had gone mad. Perhaps she had.

Susan implored her siblings with a cracked voice. "Don't you remember? I'm not crazy. Peter isn't crazy! Somewhere, deep down, you have to remember!"

"Remember what?" Helen asked with a frightened expression. "Susan...were you..._abused_...?"

"_No_, we weren't abused! We did it to ourselves!"

"Su," Lucy hazarded, "are you talking about, you know, _Narnia_?"

"Yes, I'm talking about Narnia!"

Jack and Helen now stared at Lucy with wide, troubled, and perplexed eyes.

"Su, nothing bad happened there," Edmund said gently as if he were speaking to a child. Susan recalled him using that same tone of voice when Talia was young... "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how we ruined the good thing we had! That's why we were sent back _here!_"

"We didn't ruin anything!" Edmund half-laughed, half-whispered, glancing nervously at their parents. "Aslan took us away because we'd finished our job."

"No, he didn't! You have more sense than that, Ed! If Aslan is so good, why would he allow us to fall in love with Narnia only to take us away without a chance to say goodbye or make preparations for our absence?"

Jack attempted to interrupt with a question, but Lucy said, "We have to trust Aslan, Su! He always has a reason."

"No, he doesn't! And if he does, I don't want to know it, because I hate him. I hate him as much as Peter does!"

Lucy gasped with horror as if she'd been punched.

"What is all this nonsense?" Jack demanded.

They ignored him.

"Don't be like that, Su!" Lucy implored. "Aslan—"

Susan swore loudly. "Stop looking at me with your innocent eyes! I can't take it! You, Lucy: do you remember those drawings in Aslan's How? About you and Tumnus? They were true—you and he did love each other! And remember the ones about the dark woman? Those were true too! Peter _did _marry her—but Ed ran away with her!"

Red splotches appeared on Edmund's face, and Lucy's eyes flashed.

"How dare you desecrate our memories of Narnia with lies?" Lucy demanded. "How dare you?"

"You'll remember soon, Lu," Susan said. "And then you won't be so goddamn judgmental of me and Peter!"

Their parents were ashen-faced. Edmund was shell-shocked. Lucy was furious.

Susan stared from one to the other. She swore again—at least _that_ felt good, temporarily—and stormed out of the room. She ran out the front door, not even bothering to close it behind her. She raced down the dark street, not paying attention to where she was going. When she ran out of breath blocks away, she slowed to a walk.

There. She had told them. She had blurted out to Lucy and Edmund the very thing she had been trying to hide from them. The ironic thing was that they didn't even believe her! They thought her crazy!

She never wanted to go home again. She couldn't bear another second of their pitying, incredulous faces. She didn't want to go back to school where she had to pretend to be normal; she couldn't afford travelling to America without her parents' money anyway. She couldn't go to see Peter; being with him would only exponentially worsen her self-loathing.

Susan didn't know where she was going. But she knew she wanted it to end.

* * *

_"Come, Susan!" Lucy dragged her sister out of Cair Paravel toward the stables. "It's our chance to fix it all!"_

_"This is crazy—how can a stag fix anything?"_

_"It's the_ White_ Stag, Su! You know the legend: he'll grant us any wish. What if we could wish that everything becomes right again? It's a small chance, but it's a_ chance!_ It was Peter's idea—he's getting the horses ready—"_

* * *

Susan found herself approaching a construction site. A bridge was being built across a new motorway that wasn't open yet. The bridge was half-done, with the center missing. It was dark, for the streetlights hadn't been installed yet.

Susan walked across the bridge, one step at a time. She ignored the equipment and raw materials lying around her. She stared at the jagged, unfinished end of the bridge. A warm breeze stirred up the dust and made her eyes water. She didn't stop until she was on the very edge.

She looked down. A tear dripped off the end of her nose and fell, fell, fell to the ground many meters below the bridge.

She inhaled, preparing herself. In seconds, it would all be over.

Tomorrow the workers would find the twisted body of a teenage girl in the middle of the new motorway. In a few days they would figure out who the poor girl was; her family would be notified. They would mourn, of course. But they would also be relieved...

Susan exhaled. She lifted a foot—

"_Stop_!"

Startled, Susan looked up. On the other side of the bridge, across the chasm, stood a figure. The voice had been female, but it was too dark to make out her features, which were hidden under a hood. She seemed to flicker, as if she wasn't quite real...

"Don't do it, Susan. Not like this."

"Who are you?" Susan demanded. "How do you know who I am?"

The figure walked—no, glided!—forward. "Step away from the edge."

"Tell me who you are first!"

The figure hesitated before pulling back the hood over her head. The moonlight fell upon her hair and face. It couldn't be...

Susan felt woozy. The air around her seemed to blur...She stepped out to steady herself, but instead of ground, there was air.

And then she fell...

Fell...

Fell.


	9. The Wood Between the Universes

_**The Wood Between the Universes (The Present)**_

* * *

Susan wasn't dead. She wasn't sure she was alive.

All she could see in her mind's eye was _her_. Herself. The hooded woman, staring at her with those inscrutable blue eyes.

Herself. She had seen herself. An older, sadder self, dressed in a black, lacy, Narnianish gown. And that hood over her dirty black hair.

Seeing one's future self hovering before one's very eyes would be enough to destabilize even the most constant person. Susan had been on the brink of suicide. She'd fainted.

Was she dead now?

No. Her mind was working, sluggishly. She could feel her tired body. And her ears still worked.

"Susan?"

All Susan wanted to do was sleep…Sleep peacefully…

"Susan! Wake up!"

With the vaguest sensation of anger for being pulled out of her sedation, Susan's heavy lids opened. She squinted against the green light. Someone's face filled her vision.

"Susan, you have to concentrate. I know you have the urge to sleep, but you can't! If you fall asleep now, you may never leave this place."

Susan focused on the face before her. A woman knelt beside her. She wore a simple violet dress that should have clashed with her wispy strawberry-blonde hair. She was young, and yet old at the same time, and very pretty. Her hazel eyes were bright and lively.

Suddenly, Susan was completely awake.

"_Priyah_?"

Priyah exhaled with relief. "Good, good. For a minute I was scared that I didn't catch you in time and you _had _hit your head."

Susan, who was sitting against the base of an ancient tree, glanced around her. They were in a thick, silent wood with small pools scattered every few meters on the ground. She then focused back on the woman before her. Susan hadn't known Priyah well when they had lived in Narnia, though they had encountered each other twice, years apart. In fact, it had been Susan that had interfered in Peter and Priyah's short-lived engagement back during the Golden Age. If Susan had ever thought about which Narnian she would ever expect to appear in front of her out of nowhere, Priyah would have been at the bottom of the list.

"Where are we?" Susan asked. "Am I dead? Is this Aslan's Country?"

"No," Priyah smiled wryly, "you're not dead yet, thanks to me. I got to England just in time."

Susan frowned. "You were in England?"

"Yes, just behind you. When you fell, I was able to use a little…ahem_…magic_ to get you out of your world before you hit the ground." She shrugged. "This is the first place that came to mind. It will suit our purposes for now."

Susan's head was spinning with confusion and questions. She sat up. "You…you were in England too? So did you see the…Did you see…_me? _The other me?"

Priyah's eyes widened. "You saw—her—I mean, _you—_too?"

"Yes! That's why I lost my step…I was so surprised…She was talking to me!"

"_Ah_…I was too far back to hear what she said. I didn't think you'd be able to see her too."

"What was she—I mean, me—I mean—_hang it all_! What was the other Susan _doing_ there?" Susan sputtered.

"She came to…to give me a little nudge in the right direction, you might say," Priyah said, settling herself back into a more comfortable position now that it was clear that Susan was completely awake and far from falling asleep again. "I sort of…called her there…In a manner of speaking. It's complicated, and it may not make sense right now, but her coming means that this will work. I wasn't sure at first if my idea was a good one, but now I know that it is. Your future self nodded to me deliberately, as if she was telling me to go through with it."

"What are you talking about? What idea? Go through with _what?"_

Priyah glanced down at the ground sheepishly. "That's another long, long, _long _story. To put it simply, I'm dead. Obviously. You know that, of course, because you've been to Narnia to help King Caspian long after all the Golden Age people were dead (Caspian was, by the way, actually one of my descendants, but that's irrelevant for now)."

Susan stared at Priyah blankly. "How can I see you if you're dead?"

"I'm what you might call an apparition. A ghost. I'm coming back from the dead to help you," Priyah said simply.

Susan blinked. "Ghosts aren't real."

The former Telmarine Queen laughed. "You, Queen Susan the Gentle of Narnia, who has ruled over Talking Beasts and creatures that are considered mythical in your own world, doubt the existence of ghosts? No, we certainly exist, though it takes a certain bit of knowledge to leave the afterlife and allow the living to see us. Though, technically, I haven't left the afterlife. I'm still in it, though you can see me. Most ghosts are invisible."

"_Right_. So, assuming I believe you that I'm not dead but that you are and that you saved me from dying in England, why did you leave, or sort of leave, the afterlife?"

"To help you. In Aslan's Country, as we called it in Narnia, we can see all that is happening in the land of the living, if we wish. There are pools, such as the Hermit had in Archenland when we lived, where we can view what is happening in other places, times, and worlds. I have watched your suffering, Susan, and I want to help. I am the only person who _can_ help, actually."

"Putting aside the fact that there's really no way you _can_ help me unless you know how to erase memories," Susan replied, "why in the world would you _want _to help me? If you can see so much in your pools, you surely know that I did everything in my power to make sure you didn't marry Peter. You should hate me, not help me!"

Priyah shrugged. "Yes, it was painful at the time, but it was better in the long-run in some respects. I don't begrudge you trying to be a good sister. I found happiness in other pursuits. I want to help you, Susan, because I can. And because you are one of the great rulers of Narnia, and you are suffering. And by me helping you, I am helping your siblings, _and _helping Narnia. It's the butterfly effect: we will change small things in order to prevent bigger bad things from happening. If this works…everything could be better."

"Better how so?"

"Your bad memories will vanish. Your family can live in harmony again."

"Hah! You've been dead too long, Priyah," Susan grinned. "You're becoming delusional. There is nothing we can do to help my family. Why do you think I was ready to off myself? Because it's hopeless! It can only get worse!"

"Yes, if things continue as they are now, things will worsen. But I have a solution. Think about this, Susan: What if you could go back and change everything? Go back in time before all of the bad things happened and make everything right?"

Susan stared at the little woman before her. "That's impossible."

"For most people," Priyah said simply, with an excited expression. "But I have dabbled in what has been called White Magic. Or runes. Or the Deep Magic. Whatever you want to call it, it became my life study—while I _had _life—and I became quite good at it. I never mastered it, of course, for only the Emperor Across the Sea himself is the master of magic, but I was something of an accomplished magician, even if I had to keep it to myself. I was Telmarine, after all, and Telmarines didn't like magic even back when I was Queen."

"A magician…like Doctor Cornelius?" Susan said, trying to wrap her head around the idea of White Magic being used by mere mortals instead of just Aslan.

"Exactly! Though, if I might say so, my abilities far surpassed Cornelius'. I had more time and resources at my disposal than he did."

"And how will the Deep Magic help us?"

"Well, magic is the manipulation of matter, right? The White Witch made snow cover the land, for example, or turned living creatures into stone. But magic can also manipulate time. The White Witch made it so Christmas never came. Magic via the fruit from the beginning of Narnia prolonged Jadis' life unnaturally. The key to my success in developing my magical abilities was to look at how it was used wrongly, mainly by Jadis, and think about how it could be used for good using the same principles. So in that vein, I believe I can send us back to the Golden Age so that we might right the wrongs that were committed. If we can do that, it will be as if none of the bad things ever happened!"

"Even if you can send us back—which sounds insane even to say—how in the world can we change things? It's not like _I _was directly responsible for Ed and Sae's affair."

"No, but think, Susan! You were able to indirectly stop me from marrying Peter by raising Stamprin's suspicions of me, were you not? If he hadn't been so suspicious of me then, he might have given me the benefit of the doubt before turning me in to Peter. If you could stop me and Peter from being together, you could certainly—indirectly—manipulate events so that things turn out well for everyone.

"You, Susan, exercise a huge influence over your siblings. That's why I went to England to get you. I could never do this alone! And Peter's in no frame of mind to tackle something like this, and Edmund and Lucy are too young to do it. But you and I, together, we can do this. We _will _do this."

Susan let out a long breath. This was crazy! Insane! Going back in time to change the past? Stopping things from ever happening? It was ludicrous.

And brilliant, if it could work. And Priyah seemed convinced it would.

"I'm in," Susan finally decided. "How do we go back?"

"Well, that's the sticky part," Priyah said with the first hint of uncertainty. "To explain that, you need a little bit of a history lesson. You heard of the Lady of the Green Kirtle, correct?"

"Yes, Eustace and Jill told us all about their adventure with Rilian a couple years ago."

"Right. What they wouldn't, and couldn't, have told you was _who _the Green Witch really was."

"They thought she might be related somehow to the White Witch," Susan said. "She certainly had similar characteristics, even if she didn't sound like she looked the same as we remembered."

"Exactly. She _wasn't_ Jadis…and yet she was. Seven years after you Four left Narnia, a great war began. The Calormenes and Telmarines banded together to annihilate Archenland and Narnia for good. One of their tactics to turn Narnians to their side was to have Jadis return; they thought if they could bring an iconic and strong leader to Narnia, Narnians would follow. And they were right; many joined their side."

"But Aslan killed Jadis! She was dead!"

"Yes, but her soul lived on, as do all souls after we die. Just look at me now! I am nothing but the apparition of a soul. This body you see is just my way of helping you visualize me. If you tried to touch me, you wouldn't be able to. I'm not here, at least not physically."

Susan unconsciously pulled back from the other woman with horror, but Priyah continued as if she didn't notice:

"So Jadis' soul lived on after her body's death. And over two decades after her death, her soul was implanted into a new home: the illegitimate daughter of King Edmund and Lady Saedra."

Susan blanched. "That's…impossible…."

"It isn't. It happened. Edina became a person with two souls, which melded over the centuries. Jadis' soul was obviously stronger, and won out over time, but Edina's soul was always there, trying to thwart her. I strongly believe that the reason the Lady of the Green Kirtle _wasn't _as strong as the White Witch was because of Edina's subtle interference."

"So…so Rilian killed Edmund's _daughter_? My...niece?"

"Yes," Priyah said sympathetically. She put out her hand to comfort Susan, but then stopped as if she remembered that Susan wouldn't have been able to feel it anyway. "Edina deserved a better life than to be chained to Jadis for ages. In a way, Rilian unknowingly freed Edina from her living death. The reason I am telling you this bit of history, Susan, is because we will use the same method the Calormene priests did of implanting Jadis' soul into Edina to send ourselves back. I will send both of our souls back into our old…well, _young_, bodies. We will have the same memories we have now, so we will know what to change."

"You said Edina's soul cohabitated with Jadis'," Susan pointed out. "Does that mean the soul of the old me and the soul of the new me will be together at once? And how in the world could I have two souls at the same time?"

"I'm not sure exactly how that will work," Priyah admitted. "My best guess is that when your soul goes back into your body, it will merge with the soul already in the body. The souls are really the same one, only with different knowledge and memories. They are _meant_ to be one. Jadis and Edina's, which were polar opposites (one being innocent and good, the other evil through and through), eventually merged. And since you are not so different from how you were, you will merge easily, I believe, as will I."

It made sense. Susan exhaled, remembering the mess back in England, then said decidedly: "Let's do it."

"…There's one snag…" Priyah said, avoiding Susan's gaze. "My soul can easily go back because I am bodiless. My soul is not tied to a body. But…"

"Mine is," Susan concluded, with a fear running through her. She wasn't sure what Priyah was hinting at, but it didn't sound good. "What does that mean?"

"It means…you have to separate your soul from your body," Priyah said. "And there is only one way to do that."

"You mean, I have to _die_?"

"Yes."

Susan's stomach dropped. Back in England, dying seemed like such a reasonable, happy option. But here, in this peaceful wood, Susan didn't feel the pressing despair on her heart. She was calm, and trouble seemed far away. The idea of committing suicide no longer seemed prudent or right.

"I'm sorry, Susan, but it's the only way," Priyah said. "I understand if you don't want to do this."

"If I don't do this, what then? You'll send me back to England, to the bridge where I saw my future self?"

Priyah nodded.

"I can't go back, Priyah," Susan whispered. "I _can't_."

"The pain will be short," Priyah said. "And you will wake up in your new body."

"Are you _sure_ this will work?"

"No. Not completely. But you were on the verge of killing yourself in England. Consider this finishing the job."

Susan glared at Priyah's reasoning, but said, "Fine. Can't _you_ just kill me?"

"I'm dead, Susan. I can't kill you without a body."

"There isn't some simple spell to do it?"

"I didn't make a habit of memorizing Black Magic," Priyah frowned. "There's a difference between learning about a subject and _learning it."_

"Then how I am to do it?"

Priyah pointed to something shiny in the grass a meter away from them. Susan didn't know if it had been there the whole time, or if Priyah had just conjured it, but she moved to take it. When her fingers were around it, she gasped. It was Lucy's dagger.

"You know what to do, right?" Priyah said with fear in her eyes.

Susan nodded. She had been Queen and had seen much war. She knew what to do, and where to do it.

The question was, _was _she going to do it?

She had two options before her: kill herself and _hopefully _get back to Narnia to fix things, or go back to England where she would be miserable for the rest of her life or probably end up killing herself anyway. In that light, the answer was obvious.

"I'm ready," Susan said, lifting the dagger.

Priyah's ghost appeared to get to her feet, poised to be ready to perform the necessary magic. "I'm going to count to three. I'll need to know the precise moment you die in order to take your soul back with me."

It was so bizarre. Susan was killing herself to free her soul in order to go back in time and stop her family from ruining the Golden Age. It was absurd.

"One."

Susan gripped the dagger tightly. She closed her eyes and tried to shut off her mind. She couldn't think about how much it would hurt. Or how she might accidentally do it wrong and prolong her suffering. Or how this might not work.

"Two."

What would Lucy think if she saw Susan now, about to kill herself with Lucy's dagger?

"Three."


	10. The New Past

**PART II – REGRET**

_**The New Past (Summer 1941, Again)**_

* * *

The leaves were turning…soft?

Susan fumbled around in the claustrophobic darkness. No—it couldn't be…not yet! Not now!

"Peter? Ed? Lu?"

"We're here," Lucy called back, panting.

"Where are we—?" Susan began. _Please, Aslan, please…not yet! _

"Stop pushing me—!"

Suddenly Susan's vision was full of light. BAM! She tripped and was slammed onto her hands and knees. She stared down at the hardwood floor of Professor Diggory's attic room, her hair shielding the view of her siblings as they scrambled to their feet around her, making sounds of exclamation.

Her stomach knotted. She felt like vomiting. She'd run out of time.

She raised her head to see her children siblings marveling at the change in their clothes and bodies. Their faces were so innocent, just like the first time. But their minds were ticking bombs.

Unlike the first time they fell out of the wardrobe, Susan remembered everything instantaneously. Both everythings—the past that had been, and the past that was created when she and Priyah went back to change events.

Was it for nothing?

Oh, they had changed things, yes. _But_…

_Peridan…Rahai and Priyah…the children…Tumnus...Saedra._

All left behind. All wondering where the Four had gone. All now forever trapped in the timeline that she and Priyah had created.

And for what?

"Isn't it a marvel, Su?" Lucy asked. "We're in England again!"

"Yes," Susan nodded, tucking away her thoughts and turning on her calm face. With three decades of being a queen under her belt, she was a professional at hiding her feelings. Which had turned out to be quite unfortunate at times…

Susan stood and brushed off her skirt. She pulled up her knee-high socks.

She could do this. She was Queen Susan. She could live with what she'd done.

She didn't have a choice.

* * *

That night, the nightmares resumed like clockwork. But now she was haunted by the New Past.


End file.
